Bond
by mamaesme
Summary: Bella was practically comatose when Edward broke her and left her in the woods. She has been hearing his voice. And now she has this burning sensation in her chest. What if it wasn't just her attitude, but something more supernatural causing all of this?
1. Fire

_Bond_

**Disclaimer**: I do not own the Twilight series. Stephenie Meyer does.

**Summary**: New Moon Divergence - Bella was practically comatose when Edward broke her and left her in the woods. She has been hearing his voice. And now she has this burning sensation in her chest. What if it wasn't just her attitude but something more supernatural causing all of this.

**Notes**: Two parter and a particular theory of mine that I have been wanting to write out in story form. So that is why I have been sitting here trying to get the words out for the past six hours. Oh, and check out the new page break idea I had!

* * *

The world's on fire and  
It's more than I can handle

Sarah McLachlan, _World on Fire_

* * *

Ever since he had left, my chest burned in agony. It was more than the pain of a broken heart, more than the fact that he didn't love me, more than the fact that I had been abandoned. It was so much more. I didn't know what it was, but I knew one thing.

My heart burned.

Day in and day out, in reality or my dreams, it was a constant ache that never went away. I can't describe it beyond the comparison that it was nearly at par of the bite James had given me making my blood boil. I never breathed a word to Charlie, this had something to do with vampires, and there was nothing that he nor any other human could do.

Jake never understood why I sometimes rubbed my heart, and I couldn't tell him. If I did, he would go on a cross-country hunt to find the Cullens, and I knew, deep down, that if Edward was killed, the burning would consume me.

So, when I almost tripped on a floorboard one morning before school, I tugged at the board until I had pulled it free, intent on replacing it. I hadn't expected the treasure trove of memories that lay underneath that mere floorboard. Pictures, gifts, the CD, and a page from my address book that had contained all the phone numbers of the Cullens, before they moved, something Alice had given me that summer before, knowing that one day I would need them.

Suffice to say, I skipped first period.

Tears were in my eyes as I delicately picked up each and every piece of memorabilia that I had from the Cullens. With every piece, I relieved the memories that accompanied them, the good and the bad. I was balling by the time I had reached the CD, playing and listening to the delicate melody that Edward had made for me, once upon a time.

But it was real, and I finally had proof for that. That once upon a time, Edward Cullen had loved me, until he grew tired of his plaything and left. Left me broken beyond comprehension.

And burning alive.

I fingered that piece of paper with the number, wondering if I should, if I could call them. Could I handle it? Would they even want to talk to me? They had all been against Edward's plaything in the beginning, and while I had thought that I had made some actual progress in the family, becoming friends, sister and even a daughter to them. But then they had left without a glance backwards.

The burning spiked then, making me rub my heart again. The fire was consuming me and I simply couldn't take it anymore, it was reaching the point of when I screamed in my dreams, it wasn't because of the nightmares, it was the pain in my heart.

A fire that was eating me alive on the inside.

Firm in my decision, I picked up the phone and dialed. It couldn't be anyone who hated me, or was overly emotional. I needed clear facts: what the burning was, how to stop it, etc. After that, it would be a clean break. This would probably destroy what little balance I had gained over the last couple of months, but I needed to solve this now. Before it killed me.

The phone on the other end picked up, and before the receiver could speak I quietly stated, "Hello Dr. Cullen, I need your help."

There was a sharp intake of unnecessary breath on the other side. "Bella?"

"Yes, this is she," I responded, quickly trying to get out the facts before he hung up on me and changed his number. "I know I shouldn't call you, and you are probably angry and so will he-" I couldn't say his name. It simply hurt too much and would spike the pain even more. "But I need your help, as a doctor."

"Of course," he murmured. I could hear the daily noises of hospital hustle and bustle and felt a pain of regret that I was taking him away from his job, away from a life that he could save.

I would have to make this quick, for those lives he could save. "My heart feels like it's on fire." It was blunt, but there was no other way to explain it,

There was a stunned silence on the other line, and I began to worry that maybe I shouldn't have called him. It could simply be a heart condition, and nothing vampire related at all, and now I was going to break apart again because I didn't go and see a normal, human doctor.

Harshly, he questioned me, "When did it start hurting?"

I couldn't give Carlisle the real answer, ever since Edward told me he didn't love me, so I settled for a similar period of time. "Since you all left."

There was some noise from his end, but I couldn't tell exactly what he said, but Carlisle sounded mad. I fearfully considered ending the phone call. They didn't love me, or even want me. Why was I going to them for help with something that probably was mundane? Why wasn't I asking the pack even?

Because I still trusted the Cullens with my life, no matter how badly they destroyed me.

Shocked from this revelation, I barely heard Carlisle telling me that Alice would be coming by to pick me up in a couple of hours. I began to protest, telling him that it wasn't that bad. I could live with the pain. It was merely an inconvenience. His reply startled me even further.

"That main will kill you, Bella. Alice will pick you up soon. Write a note to Charlie, tell him you went to see Renee, and we'll make sure Renee can't get any phone calls for the time being. Just be ready in a few hours," he calmly explained.

I nodded, and then realizing that he couldn't see me, verbally acquiesced. I hung up the phone before sliding to the floor. All of it was hitting me now, I had spoke to Carlisle, Alice was coming, and I was dying.

Ironic that.

All I had wanted to do the last couple of months was want to be dead, merely existing instead of living. But now that I had my death sentence, I didn't want to die. I didn't want to leave this plane of existence, not just yet. Not when Charlie was so worried about me, not when I had just made the best friend I could ever have, or had become part of a family – albeit a family that had an affinity for wolves.

Not when I was just now piecing myself together.

The repercussions for this simple phone call were going to be huge. I knew that, at the least. Whatever was making my heart burn had angered even the unflappable Carlisle, a feat that I had never seen done before, but I had the ability to make the impossible possible as it seemed. The pack wouldn't be happy, not in the slightest, but I'd have to explain.

Trying to prevent my upcoming mental breakdown, I pulled out some paper and began to write Charlie a letter, explaining that I couldn't take it in Fork anymore, that I was taking Renee up on her offer to live with her in Jackson. It was sudden, I know that, but I needed to go. It was getting worse, being here with all the memories. If I didn't leave, I would never be okay.

Jacob was so much harder. I told her exactly what was going on. I couldn't lie to him, not to my best friend. I told him that I was dying, that Carlisle could fix it and I had to go if I wanted to live. I needed to leave, but I swore I would come back. I added on to watch over Charlie, and take care of everyone in my absence and most especially himself.

I sealed both letters up ad wrote the approtiate names on them, laying them on the counter where I knew Charlie would see them. I went up to my room and packed up a few items that I would need for this trip, clothing and all the essentials. And suddenly the house was too silent, too cold for me to keep my mind off the coming trouble as I sat down on my bed.

And I broke down.

I was crying messily, big, gulping sobs that were barely allowing me to breath at all. I was practically howling in the pain – whether from the burn in my chest or the broken heart that I was suffering from, I had no idea. I was tearing at my hair, barely able to keep myself from flinging things around, destroying the precious few pieces of evidence that I had of our time before all of this. A time where I had been happy, a time where I had been loved – or at least thought I was loved.

But then it all came crashing down because clumsy little Bella cut her finger on a piece of paper. My world shattered because I was just too clumsy and stupid and so far out of my league that I never really noticed what was going on. That he was pretending to be this Prince Charming that I had dreamed of, a little girl dream. Well that little girl had seen the big bad world and had fled, leaving this shadow, this zombie behind.

A shadow that couldn't even take the memories that were all around her without falling to pieces. I was pathetic and I knew it, clinging to a man who didn't love, clinging to an ideal that was so far gone that I could barely remember what it was like to be the Bella he had "loved".

I was this broken doll that fell to pieces after she called a member of family that didn't even care about her anymore. I was doll that was dying. That's what it came back to the fact that I was dying. I didn't want to die. I still had so much that I could do, that I wanted to do. I wanted to watch Jacob and the pack eat, help Emily make lunch for all of them, laugh with Embry and Quil, I wanted to make Charlie dinner every night and poke of sports to him. I wanted to live, not merely exist like I had.

But that was only the realistic things that I wanted. The ones that were out of reach that I still wished for was going shopping with Alice, watching Jasper and Carlisle discuss some book, laughing at Emmett's jokes, try to play nice with Rosalie, eating whatever food Esme placed before me, and more than anything, him holding me, him kissing me, him loving me. I didn't care if he didn't turn me, all I knew is that I wanted a chance to do it all over again. I knew it was unrealistic, but that was wanted.

"I want Edward," I whispered.

The pain in my chest flared so fast and furiously that I didn't know what was happening. I felt exactly like that vampire bite from James, my blood was boiling, I was feeling as though I was being torn into two separate pieces, torn in two separate directions, shredded to tiny pieces. I was on fire and nothing could stop it.

A scream tore through my throat, and I knew I was dying. This was it. The end. Where were the flashes of my life before my eyes? The numb calm and realization? Was I only going to feel like I was being engulfed into the fiery pits of hell?

And suddenly, there was a cool countering my feverish fire. Marble arms surrounded me, calming the pain instantly, through the pain and exhaustion, I cracked my eyes open to see who was holding me, though I already knew from the smell that I was a vampire. Short black hair highlighted a worried pixie face that I recognised immediately, and I smiled, "Alice."

And then it all faded to black.

* * *

Know that we all fall down  
Love till you hate  
Strong till you break  
Know that we all fall down

OneRepublic, _AllFall Down_

* * *

The first thing that I heard was the purr of an engine and drumming of the rain. The combination of the noises lulled me back into awareness. I opened my eyes and captured the sight of Alice, furiously driving as fast as she could, a frustrated and worried look portrayed in her eyes. Worried that I would frighten her with any sudden movement, I sighed before moving any part of my body.

Alice snapped her head in my direction, frustration fading away and worry becoming the predominate emotion on her face. I gave her a tentative smile before a sunny one broke across her face, dazzling me and viciously reminding me of him.

I noticed then, that the burn was still in my chest, but slightly dulled compared to the usual ache. I rubbed it, absent mindedly, noting the darkening of Alice's expression at the sight of my actions. "Where are we going?" I asked, trying to divert her bad mood.

"New Hampshire," Alice replied, turning her eyes back to the road. "We'll be there in about an hour. You worried me when you screamed and them passed out. I guess we're just lucky that I was near here to begin with."

I stared at Alice out of the corner of my eye, not wanting to look like I was staring at her. "You were near Forks?" I mimicked, incredulous. "Why?"

Alice sighed this time. "When we," she paused, "left. Edward told me to stop watching your future and for no one to contact you. We owed him much and tried to obey his request, but everyone was falling apart. All Rosaline and Emmett do are fight, Jasper is torn with guilt, Esme and Carlisle mourn the loss of their newest daughter, and I miss you. I was coming to get you back. Carlisle and Jasper knew, so when you called they just told me to pick you up and bring you back."

I noticed that she said nothing about him missing me and I felt the ache up a notch before I firmly placed it out of my mind. "I don't blame Jasper," I muttered, knowing that she would still hear me. "I blame myself."

Alice was gaping at me. "What did you do wrong Bella? All you did was accept and love us? We placed you in danger and hurt you. We are at fault, not you."

I shook my head and hid myself in the corner of the car, belatedly discerning that it was Carlisle's Mercedes. "I put you all on the pedestal and created this life that you all had acted and were human. Rosalie was right to hate me, I was manipulating you all, and after the party…" I took a breath forcing myself to say his name, "Ed-Edward told me that he couldn't keep the façade up that he was human anymore. It was something that I had forced him to become and mistaken his acceptance for love." I paused, trying to focus on something other than the spike of pain that came from saying his name.

"It's my fault," I stated, firm in my conclusion.

A deep sorrow crossed Alice's face before anger over road anything else. "Do you really believe that?" she bit out.

Fearfully, I nodded, not scared of her place as a vampire and the idea that she could kill, but with the fact that I had gotten to the truth and was clearly losing my first real friend. An angry growl made it passed her grinding teeth, frightening me further. "That idiot," she finally said. "Has destroyed the foundations of the relationships between my families and you. You had us on no pedestal. We were not actors in some play. Every action, every word I spoke to you was real. The meaning and sentiment behind them were real."

She turned and stared me in the eyes, "I love you Bella. You are my sister in almost every way. Don't you every disbelieve that. No matter what _Edward_," she spit out his name like it was something distasteful, "says, I will never believe otherwise."

Her face suddenly lit up, "Unless you try to take Jazz from me, then I might take you on a shopping trip as punishment."

I didn't know why or when, but I noticed at that moment tears were running down my cheeks. "I missed you Alice," I sobbed out.

"I know," she whispered. "I've had a hard time locating you since I decided to come and get you. Also, you and the house smell horrible. What's happened since I've been gone. Did you decide to keep all vampire's out with the stench."

It took me a minute to puzzle out the smell, but the answer came swiftly to me. Jake. I tensed myself. "The pack has been watching out for us and Jacob has been coming over a lot. He's my best guy friend, and helped me through everything that's been happening." I played with my hands, not looking at her, "He's been keeping me sane."

"Pack," Alice cautiously stated. "As in the wolves?"

I nodded, not trusting myself to say anything.

"They have no control," she screeched, enraged and terrified for me at one. "You could have been killed simply because they transformed near you. They are more dangerous than we are. And I can't see them, so no matter what, I would never know if you are alive or dead!"

"I know they have little control," I replied, calm in comparison to her passionate response. "I've seen what could happen to me, but they are careful now. Especially after what happened to Emily and all of that. I know what to watch out for and the signs." I took in a deep breath, smelling her sweet scent, "If they weren't near me, I'd be dead."

"What do you mean?" she questioned, terror reading across her face.

"Victoria is back." And that's all that really needed to be said, but I elaborated. "She tried to kill me once already, and the wolves have been tracking her, going in for the kill. Laurent is already gone. He was killed by the pack."

She deflated, worry and terror expended. "I'm so sorry. We thought she would follow us and leave you alone."

"'A mate for a mate' she said," I retorted. "Even though I am not Ed-his mate and never was."

Alice looked at me with a pitying look in her eyes. "He is a fool. Why do you not say Edward's name?"

I clutched my chest, "It hurts."

Her eyes softened, "We'll fix this. Sleep Bella, we'll be there soon. Sleep Bella, we'll be there soon."

And this time, I fell into the comfortable and waiting arms of sleep.

* * *

Kindly unspoken  
You show your emotion  
And silence speaks louder than words  
It's lucky I'm clever  
Cause if I didn't know better  
I'd believe only that which I'd heard

Kate Voegele, _Kindly Unspoken_

* * *

This time, I didn't wake to the engine purr or rain, but to the feel of a cold, marble hand stoking my cheek. It was a motherly touch that was calm and patient, and even without opening my eyes I knew it was Esme, the woman who had become more of a mother to me than Renee ever had.

And I accidentally let that out. "Mother," I mumbled, really trying to say Esme. I swear. The hand stilled on my face before quickly removing itself. I quickly tried to open my eyes and caught sight of Esme's anxious face across the room.

I had hurt her with my accidental slip. "I'm sorry," I whispered, trying to sit up, even though there was an ache in my muscles as though I had run a marathon and lifted an impossible amount of weights. "I just," I broke off after I nearly fell back onto the bed. "I started to consider you my mother this summer in ways that Renee never was. The same with Carlisle." I traced the pattern on the quilt that had been tucked around me. "I won't call you that again, I am sorry –"

Suddenly, I had an armful of a joyful Esme hugging me. "Of course, I am honored for you to call me 'Mother'. I just don't want to be taking anyone's place in your life."

It wasn't that hard, I wanted to say, but I had to explain it. "Renee always treated me like she was my older sister, not mother. You treat me like I'm your daughter, not best friend. And Carlisle is the same way. Charlie and I co-exist and he's getting better at the paternal feelings and all, but Carlisle…well his manner is what changed my perceptions on who my family are. Anyways, Renee is my 'Mom' and you are my 'Mother'; Carlisle is my 'Father' and Charlie is my 'Dad'," I explained, thoroughly embarrassed.

I glanced up at Esme and was fascinated by the pleased smile that had grown during my speech. She placed her hand on my face making me look her in the eye. "Welcome to the family, my dearest, youngest and newest daughter Bella."

My heart felt like it might burst in happiness. "Really?" I inquired in wonder.

"Really," she laughed, a musical noise that immediately placed me at ease.

The door to the room that housed us opened, and Carlisle entered. I blushed, knowing that he had heard the entire conversation. I don't know why I had become so much less guilty. It must have been Alice's speech and my own opening of eyes I guess. It could have also been the fact that I knew I was dying and didn't want any more secrets to be kept, not now. Not after everything that had happened.

"Hello father," I bravely stated, observing as Carlisle's handsome face transformed into something more beautiful at my statement, a face that was something I had always dreamed I would se on my father's face.

"Welcome home Bella," he returned with a smile that caused my own to grow more.

I laughed. I was home, because when I was with the Cullens I felt more whole and alive than I had felt the entire few months alone without them. My home wasn't in Phoenix, or Fork; it was with them.

Then I remembered why I had been brought back into the fold by the actual flare of pain. I grasped at my chest, gasping at the actual pain it caused. This was different from the usual ache. It was like I was being attacked within my own body.

With pain in my eyes, I appealed with Carlisle, "What is happening to me?"

"It shouldn't be this bad. She shouldn't be in this amount of pain merely because of the distance. Something is wrong," he observed under his breath, loud enough for me to hear. I could see his mind furiously working.

I turned to Esme for guidance. "What is happening?"

She turned to her husband, and asked a question without words. He nodded, and she gently picked me up and took me down the stairs into what looked like the living room. This house seemed to have been restored again by Esme with its original classical beauty that stole my breath away. It reminded me of the one in Fork and all the wonderful times I had had there before everything happened.

In the room, Jasper and Alice were sitting, conversing in that rapid speech that I knew only vampires could hear. I could see no trace of Rosalie and Emmett, maybe they had left when they heard I was coming. I felt my broken heart give a tug, but I was rather good at ignoring that ache.

Both noticed Esme with her arms filled with me and broke away from the discussion to help me feel comfortable on a plush leather sofa. As Jasper helped tuck a blanket around my shoulders, I could see the raw pain in his eyes and regret. Grasping his hand, I tugged, making him look me in the eyes.

"Stop blaming yourself, Jasper. I was a klutz and cut myself on paper. Your instincts are your instincts. You can't stop your nature and who you are. The idea that you can actually abstain from drinking from humans is a miracle in my eyes. One lapse in judgment doesn't mean everything. You made a mistake. It happens. Just work more on controlling it," I told him, firm in discussion.

His eyes lightened, and I saw a small smile cross his face before he nodded. Alice beamed at me from his side, knowing that this was the stepping stone for Jasper to come out of self induced depression, a healing process that Alice would be there for every step of the way.

The four members of the Cullen family settled into seats as well, all facing me. They seemed to be waiting for something, and I decided that I would break the silence. "Where is everyone else," I queried.

Alice answered this one in her usual bubbly tone. "Rosalie and Emmett were in Europe on a second honeymoon. I threw Rosalie out after she made one too many snide comments. They have gone to get Edward to fix this."

Panic welled up in me. "They don't need to get him. He doesn't need to be here for this. Just tell me how to fix this, and we can. And then I can go back to Forks and leave you all in peace."

Esme looked thunderous at the idea of me leaving them behind again. "You are not leaving us behind. We left you once, and I am not willing to leave any daughter of mine behind again. No matter what my eldest son thinks is right."

I could see that she was not to be moved on that topic, so I gave her a small smile in reponse before Carlisle added on, "And Edward needs to be here because the reason you are in pain is his fault."

They all exchanged glances before Carlisle cleared his throat to explain exactly what was happening. "You know that in our family we have all coupled off except for Edward," I nodded. Carlisle took the hand of Esme beside him, "We have called ourselves husbands and wives, but for vampire's this is a stronger bond. We are soul mates, as cliché as it might sound," he ended with a chuckle.

"There are five bonds between two soul mates. The way a vampire can know they have found their soul mate is through the electricity between the two beings. Every time they touch, they become more aware of the other. That is the physical bond. The emotional bond is that no matter what mood the other is in, both can sense it and comfort the other by a mere touch of hands. Those are the easiest bonds that can be found between two vampires."

En-wrapped in the tale that he was telling me, I barely noticed that I was rubbing my chest, but every single one of the vampires in the room, zoned in on my movement.

"The next bonds are not found but created between soul mates," Carlisle continued. "There is the bond of strength. Both of you can gain strength by merely being near the other; again, touch is imperative in order for this bond to be created. The fourth bond is the mental bond between the two. They can hear each other's voices in the others head. A popular theory is that part of each other's souls have bonded, but then the main belief is that vampire's do not have souls. And the last bond is one of love. When all four other bonds have been completed and true love is achieved between the two, this bond forms, bonding the two together for eternity."

I leaned back in shock. I could read between the lines and see where Carlisle was going. "So I am bonded to Edward, and that is why my heart aches. Because it is not completed?"

Carlisle shook his head, "If it was uncompleted, it would only be a phantom pain. Yours and Edward's bond was completed. It hurts because you two are separated and have been for a while. What I don't understand is the flares of pain and the intensity. It shouldn't happen. The only way is if one side has rejected the other, but –"

Alice broke in, "Edward told her he didn't love her anymore."

Carlisle turned to me for confirmation, and I slowly nodded. Surprising me, and the others around him, he swore quietly. "He must not have known. Well of course he didn't, no one truly explained the bonds to him beyond the first two, my fault."

He looked miserable, and I reassured him, "You cant know everything Carlisle, and anyways, isn't this only to happen between vampires?"

"Yes," he laughed, ironically, "But you two seem to break all the natural laws of order that I have known over the past hundreds of years that I have learned."

I pondered all that I had been told. It made sense since skin on skin contract between the two of us always allowed me to feel as though I was being shocked, and he had admitted that he had felt it too once. Also, I had noticed that being near him and touching him always made me feel better and when we were separated no matter how short the period of time, I was saddened by his loss and could not get comfortable.

Also, I had been told I had made a miraculous recovery and needed little therapy, had that been because of Edward's own strength and healing abilities? Also, I had gained, during our period of time together a supernatural ability to discern what people were thinking.

But the idea of Edward's voice in my head, and my not being crazy for hearing it, elated me beyond belief. All those times I had heard it, I had simply begun to believe that I was going insane. But no, it was merely part of our bond. And the pain, that was because I wasn't near Edward, and he had rejected me. The initial rejection might explain the comatose state I went into, but the resulting actions were all on me. No matter how much I wished it hadn't been all my own actions, they were.

"It makes sense to me," I stated, looking into all their faces. "I've been hearing Edward's voice when I do certain activities." At their curious looks I elaborated. "Death defying stunts like riding a motorcycle, and all that. The other steps of the bond have happened too. So I have bonded with him, what do we do now?"

The room got quiet for a moment. "We wait for him," Jasper volunteered.

"Why?" I asked, lost on why needed him in this situation.

"He has to reaffirm the bond and be in contact with you for at least 24 hours for the bond to repair itself," Carlisle explained.

"What do you mean my reaffirm the bond?"

A look of shock must have been firm on my face, because Alice took pity on me and explained. "He had to tell you he loves you and mean it."

Oh.

_To be continued...  
_

* * *

Read and Review and the next chapter might come faster. )


	2. Water

_Bond_

**Disclaimer**: I do not own the Twilight series. Stephenie Meyer does.

**Summary**: New Moon Divergence - Bella was practically comatose when Edward broke her and left her in the woods. She has been hearing his voice. And now she has this burning sensation in her chest. What if it wasn't just her attitude but something more supernatural causing all of this.

**Notes**: I lied, longer than a two-parter. I blame the allergic reaction to the spider. It scrambled my brain a bit. I'm iffy on this chapter. Leave thoughts behind please.

* * *

_"It makes sense to me," I stated, looking into all their faces. "I've been hearing Edward's voice when I do certain activities." At their curious looks I elaborated. "Death defying stunts like riding a motorcycle, and all that. The other steps of the bond have happened too. So I have bonded with him, what do we do now?"_

_The room got quiet for a moment. "We wait for him," Jasper volunteered._

_"Why?" I asked, lost on why needed him in this situation._

_"He has to reaffirm the bond and be in contact with you for at least 24 hours for the bond to repair itself," Carlisle explained._

_"What do you mean my reaffirm the bond?"_

_A look of shock must have been firm on my face, because Alice took pity on me and explained. "He had to tell you he loves you and mean it."_

_Oh._

* * *

All I wanted to say  
All I wanted to do  
Is fall apart now

OneRepublic, _Mercy_

* * *

He was coming back. As in going to see me. As in I couldn't run away.

I tried to stand up, tried to get away, tried to runs for heaven's sake. But the furthest I got was falling off the couch. All the Cullens watched me panic and knew they could do nothing to stop it, so they let it go. Let me freak out over seeing the man who had accidentally bonded himself to her for eternity without knowing it.

A man who abandoned me and pretended to love me for months.

A man whose name I couldn't speak in fear of spiking the pain that coursed through my veins merely being away from him.

A man who was going to have to tell me he loved me and mean it, when he truly didn't.

A man who would have to hold me for 24 hours if I wanted to survive longer than a few weeks.

Sometimes, I was amazed at how many tears I could cry over him. There never seemed to be a limit of them; they always were ready to flow at any moment, like now. I could fell them coursing down my cheeks, and suddenly there were cold, hard arms around me. Telling me that it would be alright. That everything would come to an end soon. That no matter what, they loved me.

I knew that crooning voice, humming into my hair, combing it with gentle, patient hands. I knew the fingers that were drawing on my palm, lightly tracing the lines there, silently comforting me. I knew the soft voice, murmuring nonsensical words in my ears as a hand rubbed circles on my back. I knew the solid and firm presence at my hip that wasn't touching me, but being the calming presence that was allowing me to stop the incessant tears.

I knew them. The Cullens. I knew them and I knew I could trust most of them. Not all. But most.

And finally, I was out of tears. I was out of hurt, out of pain, out of everything that Edward had let me become. I was done. Over it and over the reactions. I was not over him, I never could be. I had given too much of myself to him to ever truly let him go. But I was over who he pretended to be to me.

And finally, _finally_, I felt better than I had in a long, long time.

Looking up, I saw the concerned faces, watching me for signs of another breakdown, but I was beyond that. Beyond him, and beyond what he had done. So I gave them a tentative look and shrugged.

"Alright, let's get this over with."

And thus, the end of the emotional pain, the end of my mourning, the end of everything, was in sight.

Finally.

* * *

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut  
My weakness is that I care too much  
And my scars remind me that the past is real  
I tear my heart open just to feel

Papa Roach, _Scars_

* * *

The four Cullens were hovering. As in following me with every step I took, whether it was with their bodies or eyes, they were following. I found it funny that they were so concerned with my welfare when just yesterday I had thought they all hated me.

Someone had made preparations for my coming, but even with all the food Esme tried to tempt me with, I couldn't stomach any of it. Whether it was because of the idea that I had to eat, or the impending arrival of Edward, kept food from touching my stomach. I could see the disapproving look on Carlisle's face from the distance and it tore me apart.

I knew I looked like skin and bones. I knew I wasn't healthy, but between the pain and my own emotionless state, food really wasn't an option. Or remembered.

Alice was being bubbly, laughing, joking and chatting about everything and anything, simply trying to make me to laugh but I had merely smiled, not laughed, chuckled or giggled since the news. I was readying myself for seeing him, dealing with all the emotions I knew would come back up to the surface the moment I saw his face.

It would hurt, heaven's knew that I was anticipating that. I was trying to for stall the anger, not matter how righteous it was, that was simmer beneath the hurt and pain. I wouldn't tear this family apart anymore than my mere presence had already done so.

I could see that they were hurt from the looks they threw each other when they thought I wasn't watching. I could see the anger lying in wait in their eyes. I could see it all, as though I had adapted Jasper's power to my own use, but it was probably something I could see because I knew how it was. Because I was in the same place as them.

Anger would do no one any good. What was done, was done. Right now, all I needed to be concerned about was staying alive enough to be fixed.

The pain, which had been pushed back momentarily, was crawling back with a vengeance. Every minute, I could feel it coursing faster and harder in my blood stream. I could feel the pain coming back. Screaming obscenities at me.

Like I wanted to throw at him.

Jasper was watching, and I knew he knew what was going on. It all dulled a bit, like someone had given me a drug and as I felt more relief, the more control I lost on reality. I could feel arms going around me. Someone carrying me up the stairs. A marble hard, cold body lay next to me, soothing me, like a mother with her child. Humming lullabies and soothing my hair. That also helped dull the pain. A vampiric body in contact with mine.

Esme was the soother. She would lay there, calmly singing and soothing, being the mother she had always wanted to be, but never had a true chance to be. I wondered, in my emotionally drugged state, what she would have been like to have as a mother my entire life. How much different I would have been if she had been my mom and not Renee? I murmured things when she was next to me, like "Mommy, I need you", "Mommy, make the pain stop", and sometimes I just repeated "Mommy".

Alice would tell me stories of the family. Of stupid things that Emmett had done, things she had bought, moments when the whole family had been happy, and curiously enough, her time before the Cullens and sometimes even Jasper. I knew she was carefully editing the stories to make sure he wasn't there, there were awkward pauses where he should have said something or done something, but she skipped over that and continued on with her tale. It felt like two sisters whispering secrets under the sheets.

With Jasper, I could sleep. Being in contact with his smooth skin made his gift even more potent. When he lay beside me, he would explain things about being a vampire, about his gifts, about his history. Alice must have started to rub off on him, because he began to muse on how much he wished he had better control, so that he could know me. Truly know me. That he had always felt left out because he was too tempted by my blood. I muttered sleepily, one night why he could be near me now. He had chucked softly and said that I smelt too much like a vampire to call to him. And like always, I fell asleep on his arm, comfortable and safe in his arms, like a younger sibling being protected by her brother.

Carlisle was the one who tamed the pain the best. Whether it was because he was the one who had turned him, or because of his age, Carlisle was the one I loved to have at my side. He told me stories of his younger years, taming his blood lust, falling in love with Esme, and how he had always wanted an inquisitive young daughter. He would tell me stories of what he thought the future would hold with me in his family, editing as well to keep him from the stories. I felt safe in my father's arms, wondering how it could have been if he had merely allowed me to be turned when James had bit me.

And that voice in my head, his voice, would whisper sweet nothings in my ear. Tell me I was loved. That I was wanted. Needed. That all I needed to do was survive a little bit longer. That he was coming. That he loved me. More than anything.

But I ignored the voice. It was easy to. I focused on the haze and the voice faded out, still faint enough to hear, but easy enough to ignore as I focused on the others words.

Days passed as they all lay beside me. The women of the house would bathe me and help me through the day, while the men would try and coax me to eat. I was wasting away before their eyes, and I knew they were desperate. From what I could tell in my drugged state, Rosalie and Emmett couldn't find Edward. The desperate phone calls that were being made to his cell were going unanswered, and I….

I was dying.

A slow and steady death that was a drugged state where I was barely aware of my surroundings and yet still able to feel the pain that coursed through my body. The bond was destroying me: body and soul.

Twenty day after I had first arrived at the Cullen's New Hampshire home, curled in Jasper's arms, I felt it. The blinding pain flooded my world in reds and black that surrounded me and encompassed all that I was. I heard screaming and it took me a moment to recognise that it was my own voice shrieking.

And I knew that this was it.

I knew that in this would be the moment. This was when I would die.

So I let those forbidden words fall from my lips. I didn't care if that was what killed me, but I was done. It was over. I apologised to the Cullens mentally. I wish I could have had more time with them. Especially Jasper. I knew he would blame himself for years to come.

So, I let the words fall, as I myself was falling into death.

_"I love you, Edward."_

The voice was screaming at me to wait, just make it a little bit longer. That he was nearly there. To not give up, and he was so close. That he loved me, and would forever love me. And just wait a little bit longer.

And then, the world was gone.

And so was I.

* * *

All the love I've met,  
I have no regrets,  
If it all ends now,  
I'm set.

Lostprophets, _Rooftops_

* * *

When I awoke, it was to a faint, familiar hum. There were arms around me, and I could tell that they weren't feminine. You learn to be able to tell what gender the person if by the length and strength of their arms. Even vampires.

Everything was hazy. Like I was in pain and so drugged that I couldn't feel it. But I knew the one thing, that the humming was new. Esme like to hum lullabies. Croon them, to be exact. Alice chattered, she couldn't not do that. Jasper like to explain, and Carlisle told stories.

No one hummed.

I involuntarily hissed in pain at the shiver of something that ran though my body, and the humming stopped. The arms loosened and hands ran over my body as though I was as fragile as glass. It had to be Jasper. It had to be. He was the only one who was so overly conscious about me and how he handled me. Still frightened that he might attack me, even though he was always in control when he came into the room. Having just eaten as a safety precaution. Because he cared about me.

More than most did.

"You know," I murmured throatily, still sore from screaming however long ago it was. "I really thought I was gone then. Like up in the angels gone." The arms around me tightened. " I don't know how you've upped the meds, Jazz, but it feels amazing. I'm only vaguely sore and the pain is fading instead of increasing. Points to whatever technique your using."

I could feel Jasper smiling into my hair. He must be taking lessons for Esme, because it wasn't exactly in character for him to do that, but I had expected something more emotional from him especially after the fact that I had had an attack on his watch.

I continued to babble, because this was the first time I had felt like talking in…a long time. "As much as all of this hurts, I'm glad I've come here. I'm glad to be home. I know you were guilting yourself over what happened, and it wasn't your fault I got hurt. I'm a klutz and Alice should have klutz proofed the party like she had to do with your house that summer. I remember Emmett laughing so hard and Mother was so concerned. And you, you were smirking. I could see your face, so don't lie."

Laughter bubbled passed my lips. How long had it been since I had merely laughed at something out of pure humor? A real laugh too? "But Alice made such a huge project of it, I thought she was going to make the floors out of rubber. I miss that house. I miss everything from back then. It might have been a lie, but it was a perfect lie."

I quieted, contemplative. The rock hard arms were grasping me so tight that it should have hurt, but it didn't. I was waiting for Jasper to speak up, or even to hear that voice. It was usually muttering something by now. Focusing inwardly, I searched for it. It was hidden, but finally I found it.

_found you, found you, open your eyes and look, see the real, love you, love you_

It was never that unfocused and fragmented until now, but I decided to follow it's advice and open my eyes, finally. It was something that I had never done, but something had changed in the air. Something was different. Something was about to happen, but then Jasper was lying beside me, comforting me, so it couldn't be anything too big.

Opening my eyes, I saw that it was nearly dark, but not light anymore. "Twilight," I murmured aloud. "His favorite time of day."

There was a throaty chuckle from behind me. And in that moment, I knew it wasn't Jasper who was lying beside me. I knew it was someone else. Someone who cared a heck of a lot less about my emotional state than the four Cullens who I had become so close to all those past twenty days.

I knew who it was, and suddenly, I was terrified.

I went rigid in his grasp and angled my head so I could finally see him. He was still as pale as ever, with those fiery topaz orbs and windswept bronze hair. And there was that smile of his that got me every time wide across his face. Ever the Greek god in my eyes, no matter how much pain and hurt he had caused me.

I could feel myself falling in love with him all over again.

Opening my mouth, I knew I had to do something. I had to stop his sick cycle from happening again. I had to stop the pain before I could get hurt, broken, shattered, again. I couldn't deal with it. Not again.

Naturally, I yelled for Carlisle, but not by name, but by title.

And I could see the widening of his eyes as he figured out who was coming in that door the moment I called for him. I ignored my bed mate, figuring that the lack of respect might wipe the smile off his face and keep me from falling any faster than I already was.

Breezing in, Father and Mother looked as beautiful as usual, but I could see the tightened, worried look of their faces from my position in hints of their expressions, the way Esme's eyes lightened as she scanned my figure and Carlisle's smoother smile after I smiled brightly at them both, more alert and energetic than I had been in the past weeks I had been here. In the past months since he had left me.

"Would you like some food?" Esme asked, motherly and concerned for my welfare.

I nodded my head before getting up, more than willing to get out of the embrace that I was in. He released all of me, except my hand. I glanced at him from his hand on my wrist to his face. Was he trying to hurt me more?

Was he trying to break me again?

Carlisle must have seen the look on my face, seeing as he answered it aloud. "He has to be holding on to some part of you. We're trying to heal the rift in your bond, and it's the only thing keeping you from collapsing in pain right now, like before."

Like when I was dying.

He didn't need to say the words, but I understood them anyways.

Turning, I stared him in the face for a long moment. Nothing gave in his expression, merely a smiling, albeit worried face. It seemed as though he was glad to see me, when he had once upon a time told me that he couldn't pretend to be in love with me. That he didn't care.

I gave up trying to hate him because it wasn't working. I was simply loving him more.

"Thank you Edward," I sincerely told him.

And for the first time in a long time, saying his name didn't cause me to scream in pain.

_To be continued..._

* * *

Constructive Cristism is welcomed. Heck, it's needed.

Everything is loved.


	3. Edward

_Bond_

**Disclaimer**: I do not own the Twilight series. Stephenie Meyer does.

**Summary**: New Moon Divergence - Bella was practically comatose when Edward broke her and left her in the woods. She has been hearing his voice. And now she has this burning sensation in her chest. What if it wasn't just her attitude but something more supernatural causing all of this.

**Note**: I CHANGED THE POINT OF VIEW. This is an interlude of sorts, to stop the Edward hating. (Because he is just misunderstood, really). ALSO! NM takes place over a 7 month period (as stated in the book). I place this story the morning of the cliff diving incident. She never made it to Jake's. I'll explain this later. I swear.

So be nice to the now-emotionally damaged author because Edward is more than emotionally damaged. Seriously. On with the show.

* * *

_Turning, I stared him in the face for a long moment. Nothing gave in his expression, merely a smiling, albeit worried face. It seemed as though he was glad to see me, when he had once upon a time told me that he couldn't pretend to be in love with me. That he didn't care._

_I gave up trying to hate him because it wasn't working. I was simply loving him more._

"_Thank you Edward," I sincerely told him._

_And for the first time in a long time, saying his name didn't cause me to scream in pain._

* * *

The sky is falling

And no one knows

Lifehouse, _Sky is Falling_

* * *

Her voice was babbling in my ear happy things, that I had come back to her, that I loved her and she loved me and _finally _everything was going to work out. That it was all going to be happy moments in our future.

I had my own doubts from Esme's half joyous half angry glance in my direction when she looked up from the broth that she was cooking for her, the only human in the house. She had sent a quick thought in my direction before clamping down on her entire mind.

_"Hurt her again Edward, and I swear you will have this entire family to answer to, but I will be the first in line. I know you love her, I know you did what you thought was right, but you broke her like my husband broke me. Be ready for that."_

I had stared at her, terrified and worried. Was it truly that bad? Could Alice's thoughts been correct and not exaggerated? Was it truly all that bad?

Yes, it seemed like it was.

I was led up the stairs by Carlisle who was murmuring things to me, but I couldn't pay attention to a word he said. All I knew was that the pain had doubled the closer I got to her. The half dead state that I had allowed myself to fall into over the past seven months was working against me and our bond. I brushed past my father, on a mission, and thrust open the door I knew was hers from the scent leaking from underneath the door.

Her screams erupted then.

I saw Jasper laying beside her, trying to calm her physically and emotionally, but all I saw was a man touching _my _mate. _Holding my mate_. A low growl erupted from my chest and he snapped his head toward me.

_"Help me you idiot. She is in pain because you are in the same room as her and not touching her, holding her, loving her."_

I scowled. I knew that. Now. And I was trying to fix it. I was trying to fix it all, why couldn't anyone see that? I had no idea of the repercussions of all of this on her. I never meant for any of that to happen. I never wanted her to be in pain.

I loved her. More than life itself, more than anything.

She was my sun.

She was my Bella.

And then, I was on the ground, squeezing my chest as her screams got louder, barely hearing Jasper calling for help. All I could do was focus on her sent, and that only made the pain worse.

What a sick, masochistic lion.

* * *

Flames to dust

Lovers to friends

Why do all good things come to an end?

Nelly Furtado_, All Good Things_

* * *

_Seven months ago _

I left and I couldn't, didn't want to look behind me, because if I did, I knew would break down and go back. The look in her face when she acquiesced to allow him to leave, it shattered my undead heart. The trials she put herself through in those few minutes that she tried to look brave, look happy, look okay that I was abandoning her, destroying her, telling her I didn't love her. To think about that nearly broke him again.

But I was already broken, shattered, destroyed, beyond recognition and there was no way on this earth that any human nor vampire could put him back together even if anyone wanted to. I was beyond a quick fix with a band-aid and there were too many pieces for duck tape or superglue.

I was broken.

And it was my own damn fault.

And I knew that.

Oh God, I knew that. Jasper wasn't there to stop my emotional downfall, Alice was pulled halfway across the world for her mate, who mattered more to her than her once-future sister, Esme and Carlisle were at a lost to deal with the situation, Emmett went hunting to deal with his anger, and Rosalie just smiled.

I gave up caring about Rosalie and her lies until she finally sent off one last parting shot before I told the family they had to leave.

'I told you Edward,' she had smirked. 'Little Isabella Swan isn't good enough for you.'

I had lunged at her, so quickly that no one had seen it coming. I took her down and through the back wall, snarling and venom building up in my mouth.

Esme was screaming in the background for us to stop, sobs breaking her words. Carlisle and Emmett were trying to break us up, so I coldly stated to her terrified face, 'You aren't even good enough to lick the dirt off her shoes, and I'm no better.'

I let go of her now destroyed designer top and calmly informed the family that they were leaving Forks. It was beyond time to move on and that my ties to the town shouldn't blow their cover.

Esme had smiled, thinking that I was taking Bella with me, and I did nothing to correct her. Carlisle, knowing his eldest son best, had a sliver of an idea and was horrified, but quickly covered it up with a stern nod and began to help his wife with the cleanup of their lives, erasing any evidence that they had ever lived in this home.

So, I prepared my own speech, rehearsed it for hours in the mirror, ignoring Alice's call after phone call. I practiced, memorized it and tried to become detached when saying it. I broke down so many times, in the middle of telling imaginary Bella that I never loved her. Because I did.

I loved her so much that I was letting her go.

And it hurt. So bad.

Finally, it D-Day and I asked her to walk with me, my heart breaking with every step in the woods. I started it all, rehearsed and word for word what I had told that mirror. Her comprehension, when it all came together, nearly broke me.

Humans had always been so expressive, but Bella was so different. She didn't care to hide anything on her face, and her eyes, they were windows to her soul. The breaking of her heart was written in every line on her face, but her eyes, they destroyed me. They showed me the depth of her pain.

That was the day that I, Edward Cullen, _truly _died.

* * *

It's gone, gone

Baby, it's all gone

Matchbox Twenty, _How Far We've Come_

* * *

It took another thermos of blood to control me, but soon I was back under power in what was really seconds unlike the hours it had felt.

The rest of the family fled the room and I felt…I felt like I had control for the first time in a long time. And I gazed at Bella, staring at her. Her screams had died down to mere whimpers of pain, and it was finally becoming too much for me.

I murmured her name and the screaming began again.

* * *

Where is Reality?

What are the actions that will define who I am?

Kutlass,_ More Than It Seems_

* * *

_Six Months Ago _

Shortly after entering the new house in Ithaca, I barricaded myself in the room that had designated mine. I ignored Jasper's apologetic looks, ignored the angry thoughts from Alice, telling me to go back, that Bella needed me, ignored Carlisle's and Esme's worried looks and Rosalie's gloating face. I ignored it all, and collapsed onto the bed, only thinking about Bella and those few short months we'd had been together.

I thought about how we had met, how lovely she looked, beautiful and perfect without even being a vampire. The feeling of her skin underneath mine, so soft and warm. The glorious warmth that had seeped through her skin that warmed my body, allowing me to feel like I did on those few sunny days that I could venture forth into the world and feel _something _for once, before Bella. Before any of this.

She was my sun.

My warmth.

My light.

She was my everything.

With her, life was vibrant. I had everything I had ever wished for. A confidant who I could tell anything to no matter how gruesome or disturbing, a best friend who would always be there for me no matter the cost to herself, and a lover who cared about me more than her own soul. She would willingly give up everything she knew to come into my dark, dark world.

And I couldn't allow that.

Jasper had shown me how dangerous it was to have her there, how much she didn't belong in my world, even though they had done their best to fight past all the barriers.

But in the end, she was human.

A vibrant, warm, loving human.

And I wasn't.

The lines were drawn, I had seen them, and I knew what I had to do. I had broken every promise I had made to myself when I discovered the love between mates through Carlisle and Esme. I had promised myself that we would bond and that we would never separate because I wouldn't leave her.

I wouldn't break her.

I wouldn't hurt her.

I would cherish her.

I would love her.

I wouldn't leave her.

And I was breaking every promise I knew that.

I was damning myself to a half life without her.

But Bella's life was worth more to me than anything, even my own sanity and life.

Over the next month, I left the house only to hunt when I had to, coerced by Carlisle, vaguely noticing that my siblings had left for their own lives. My decision to leave Forks had broken apart my family, torn by grief and destroyed by our own actions in the demise of Bella's relationship with me.

I had learned that if I allowed myself to get close enough to starvation that I could hear her voice. Half starved and insane, I would hear her whispering to me, begging me to eat something, to not waste away because of her, that she loved me.

I loved those moments when my eyes were pitch black and when the bruises underneath my eyes were so dark that I looked like a skeleton. The lack of food messed with my concentration, I could barely focus on anything, not that I did much beside sit on that bed and think of her.

But she was there, with me, in whatever form I could take her. She was there, loving me, and being beside me. And I adored it, as sick as it was, hearing her voice in my head.

Carlisle originally came and pleaded with me to eat, Esme did the same, but I blocked out their voices. Finally, Carlisle covered his hand with animal blood and stood just inside of my sensory area. The bloodlust would take over me, and I would run out of the house to where he was, with a dead animal waiting me.

He would have already cleaned off the blood, so I wouldn't attack him. Every time I got the bloodlust under control, I would clean myself off and leave without looking at him. I couldn't do it. Not after I knew how much it was destroying him and Esme. I could hear her half-choked sobs down the hall every day I returned from 'hunting'.

Shortly after that first month, I left.

* * *

You can breathe

You can breathe now

But the air is running out now

Jack's Mannequin, _You Can Breath_

* * *

And there she was, beautiful Bella.

It was too much to just look at her; I couldn't help but be pulled to her side like a magnet. She was there, screaming in pain and I had to save her, like I had had to save her from James. I had to make sure that she was no longer in pain.

I would rather die than put her in pain again.

Not after what I did to her.

Never again.

_Never_. Again.

* * *

I'm waitin' for the world to fall

I'm waitin' for the sea to change

I'm waitin' when the colors gone

I'm waitin' to let my world to come undone

Jars of Clay,_ Waiting for the World to Fall_

* * *

_Three Months Ago _

I had tried to track Victoria until I had lost her in Rio, and by that time I had become use to the dull ache in my chest. I could barely feel it when I was running, but when I stopped it consumed me and lit my entire body on fire.

She was constantly in my ear, whispering sweet nothings in my ear. Telling me to move on, to go to the Denali clan and visit them. Maybe even fall in love with one of them. Maybe Tanya, since she had heard the tiny comments here and there that Tanya lusted after me.

I vehemently refused her suggestion, telling her that she was it for me. After her, there was no one else. No one else that I would care for, no one else that I would play for, no one else that I would love.

_Then why did you not love me enough to stay and stand by me?_

I could not respond to that, and her voice was quiet for days.

* * *

I swear it's you my heart beats for

No, it just won't stop

OneRepublic, _Won't Stop_

* * *

I was stepping forward to put my arms around her when she screamed out that she loves me. And I had them around her before I could even stop myself.

Hearing her scream my name like that, like she was dying, had been more than enough to make me throw away any of my morals, any of my ideas about keeping her safe, far behind me.

Because it was obvious that whatever I had thought was right wasn't truly correct. From Emmett's hushed explications on the plane from Rio to New Hampshire, I knew what I had done. I was horrified with the result, what I had bonded her to for the rest of her life, never giving her a choice.

When I voiced that aloud, Rosalie had turned from her observation from the plane window. 'That bond,' she was angry. 'Is a gift, the ultimate symbol of our love. And your lack of respect and understanding of it is disgusting. She had to reciprocate every one of your feelings for it even to begin. Don't disrespect her or yourself by saying any of that. She had a choice and she made it, a long time ago. You made the wrong one.'

I was quiet the rest of the ride, contemplating her words. And now that I had Bella in my arms, I knew what the right decision was.

And this was it.

* * *

I've dying to get out

It might be the death of me

Reliant K, _Be My Escape_

* * *

_Two Days Ago_

I was barely aware of the scents around me, let alone the fact that the sweet smell that was vaguely familiar was Emmett and Rosalie. I didn't know they were trailing me until after I had finished feasting on a few rats when I looked up and saw them standing a few feet away.

Emmett stood there in a leather bomber jacket red t-shirt and jeans, looking immaculate and handsome, quite the difference from my unwashed and greasy appearance from living in the attic of some unknowing villagers. He looked vaguely disgusted by my dietary habits, rats were always considered below us, but from where I had fallen to, it was all I was worthy of, just enough to sate the bloodlust.

Rosalie stood beside him in a jeans and t-shirt, something I had not seen her wear in a while, as fashion conscious as she was. Her face had a pinched look to it, like she was worried, a new thing for her. She came forward and pulled my arm, wordlessly asking Emmett for his jacket. He gave it to her, and she placed it on me, spraying something to cancel the stench of me out.

"Come on," Emmett said. "We're going home."

Home.

Home meant her, home meant breaking my new promise that it would be as if I had never had existed. It meant breaking her again. Breaking up her new relationships, breaking her heart and shattering mine.

I weakly fought against both of them, trying to stop them from hurting her. I couldn't do it, not again. I couldn't.

"Stop that," Rosalie stated, in a tone that reminded me of Esme when she had begged me to hunt, to eat. "Bella needs you."

I stared at her in the eyes, my resistance dying the moment Rosalie said her name.

"B-Bella?" I stuttered, before nearly falling to my knees as the pain returned with a vengeance.

They caught me of course, but I could see the worried look in both of their faces. "Yes, Bella. Does it hurt to say her name?"

I nodded, like a child to his mother.

She sighed, a sad and terrified sound. "It hurts him now. We have to hurry. I'll go get us tickets see if you can get a thermos filled with some blood, he'll need his strength for this," she murmered to Emmett. He nodded and left.

Rosalie turned back to me, a patient look in her eyes. "Edward, we have to get to an airport and get some tickets to go to Bella. Come with me."

I slipped my hand into hers and allowed her to lead me down the streets of Rio. I was like a child, but I had neither the will power nor the physical strength to go against the person who would allow me to see her.

Bella.

I choked back a scream as the pain re-emerged. I could beat it. I could. I focused on where Rosalie was leading me, and it began to recede like it always did.

I was going home.

A part of me danced inside while the other worried about how bad it was if Rosalie and Emmett had been sent after me. But I was going back to her, back home.

I didn't care about anything else.

* * *

I'll come back when you call me

No need to say goodbye

Regina Spektor_, The Call_

* * *

Bella kept shaking in her sleep and murmuring like she was having a nightmare. I felt her head to see if she was feverish, but there was no sign of excess warmth. If anything she was chilled. I pulled the covers more securely around her, making sure that I never took a hand off her.

One millisecond without my touch would throw her into a world of pain that she should have never had to endure in the first place, and I refused to place her back in that world. I just couldn't be responsible for her to endure any more pain.

I ran my hands up and down her body, humming her lullaby as I went, noting the dark circles under eyes, how loosely her clothes clung to her body that they had once hugged, and her tendency to cling to me as if she thought I would leave her.

Again.

I knew what to expect from the phone conversation from the hour long drive from the airport to the house. It should have taken longer, much longer, but Alice had been waiting for us and didn't care about speed limits.

All I could hear during that ride was her fervent hope that Bella was still alive when she got back, and Carlisle had warned me of what to expect, but it was one think to know and another to experience it.

I was so caught up in my thoughts that I had almost missed Bella murmur, "Edward, come back" before burrowing further into the cocoon that was my body and the sheets twisted around her.

And then, my heart shattered again because I know I had been the one to break her.

* * *

And I don't know

This could break my heart or save me

Kelly Clarkson, _Sober_

* * *

_Two Days Ago _

Emmett met us at the airport, thermos in hand. Rosalie handed me off to him along with a plastic bag from her purse as she went towards the ticket counter to procure us some seats on the earliest leaving flight.

It was early in the morning, like four o'clock and there were few humans in the area, which was just as good and well since I wasn't in the best shape to deal with many humans at the moment. Emmett led us to the nearest bathroom and locked the door.

He led me to the sink and stripped me of my clothes. He washed me the best one could in a public bathroom, but the stench of dead animals, dust and neglect was gone. Emmett then dressed me as if I was a mannequin, but with fog of hunger and pain covering my thoughts, I might as well as been a puppet.

Last, he opened the mug and handed it to me. I greedily drank it, careful to not spill a drop because it was far too precious, grizzly blood, filled with nutrients that I had been lacking in the rats and small animals I had been catching.

After I had finished it, I opened my eyes and could see the change. My eyes weren't pitch black anymore but topaz. The dark circles under my eyes had lightened, and I finally looked like myself. The fog had lifted, and I truly was Edward Cullen again and not a nameless vampire trying to die for real this time.

I turned to Emmett and thanked him. He smiled in response, happy to have me back and sane. We exited the bathroom, crushing the thermos to dust so no evidence would be left behind. Rosalie wanly smiled. "We have ten minutes until our flight leaves, let's go."

I grinned in thanks to her, and took my passport and ticket from her outstretched hand, and made my way toward our designated boarding area.

Soon, I would see her again. Soon, I would hold her. Soon, I would fix it all.

I almost missed the looks Emmett and Rosalie threw each other, and then I knew something was up. I almost asked what, but knew I should wait until we were in a more secure area.

But still those looks chilled my enthusiasm. Something was wrong, and it had to be her.

The voice started screaming at me.

* * *

She looks into my eyes

And I've alive again

Ryan Cabrera, _She's_

* * *

I didn't care about anything, because I was next to Bella. Touching Bella. In her presence.

That was more than enough for me.

When Bella finally awoke, she was drowsy and confused as to who was holding her. I had to reign in my jealously when she called Jasper by Alice's pet name for him, but I wasn't worried about her bonding with him, more like I was worried that he would slip up like before.

I smiled into her hair as she talked aloud, filling up the air with ramblings, but she had always liked to talk and it was that human trait of hers that I loved, rambling.

I couldn't help to tighten my arms when she spoke about that perfect summer before all of this. Before this disaster. It hurt to think about how happy we had been before I had messed up all of it.

And then she mentioned twilight, and I couldn't help but laugh.

It was just funny that she would notice what time of day it was and what I said about it. For having imperfect human memory, she always remember everything I said or did. No matter what.

She finally saw me and had the worst reaction I could have anticipated. Happiness, I wished but didn't think would happen. Anger was most likely, but I could deal with that.

But terrified was a whole 'nother set of reactions that I couldn't fix. I just kept smiling, hoping that she would relax with the smile she knew.

And Bella, beautiful Bella, opened her mouth and I anticipated every word, until they came out of her mouth.

When Esme and Carlisle entered the room, the entirety of the situation hit me on the head. She considered my parents hers. I had torn her from her own family, one that she loved and felt welcome in. I had broken more than just our relationship, but the ones she had with everyone else in this family. I observed Esme's and Carlisle's faces and saw their reactions to her awakening, and it just confirmed my suspicions', and I felt my smile crack again. Was there ever an end to the repercussions of my actions?

No, I guess not.

Bella move upward pulled me out of my thoughts and I released all but her hand, in need to keep her from the pain. I allowed Carlisle to answer her questioning look, feeling too much like dirt at the moment for all the pain I had caused her.

She's looking me in the eyes, trying to find something, and I try to keep the smile on. Something familiar for her, something to keep me from breaking down and crying. Crying was something that she didn't need, not now.

And then she thanked me.

And I was stunned into silence.

In that moment, I, Edward Cullen was born again from the forgiveness of the woman who had once loved me.

I had her, and I wasn't leaving her.

After all, I still had to re-affirm the bond and stay in contact with her for twenty-four hours. That, I could work with because while she had dreamt, I had planned to fix it all. All of this. The entire mess I had made.

I hoped.

And if she didn't love me the way I wanted her to love me, I could survive for her because I wouldn't hurt her, not because I was weak. I love Isabella Marie Swan, and for all of my days I would be making up this pain I caused her. Even if she had moved on.

And as she moved to follow Carlisle and Esme, I felt my heart constrict, because it might just be that she had moved on.

If the name 'Jake' that Bella had whispered in her sleep had to do with anything, I might have lost her seven months ago.

For real.

_To be continued…_

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I've fixed the review thingy. I didn't know about the anonymous reviewer blocker. Bah. Remember, anything is loved.


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